Finals - Time to look at why I'm doing this

So, it's finals time again.

Note the excitement.

What makes finals hard: self esteem on the down low, people pleasing mindset, living by my expectations of myself, and believing I could never live up to those high expectations, study habits that come back to bite you, research papers, CHINESE.

What makes finals worth it: CHINESE

God's plan for me

Eternal mindset

Learning

GROWTH

When I graduate I feel like I have been called to go to Asia, where I plan to work with U.S. - Asia relations on the side (or so I think!). Aside from finals, I really do love learning. Most of it is practical for my future (or so I think!).

Bottom Line:

Finals are worth it

I have the summer to repair

Grades don't matter in Heaven, character does

What is Good

I like learning, but there are some things that are emotionally taxing to learn.

Like a whole class on Modern Day Slavery.

Thanks UT, right? It is amazing that they provide a class on this topic for students of all levels.

 We, the students, get to read books, watch movies, research product supply chains, and hold debates over this topic. It's a lot of fun, but at the end of the day, I'm noticing patterns that tell me I'm in a bit of an emotional bind. At first I thought it was just me, being sloppy, lazy, unhealthy in some instances. And sure, I am all of those things sometimes (right, mom?), but not all the time. 

 Of course, I didn't exactly connect two and two until 3 weeks before the close of the semester. Saturday. I was sitting outside the Blanton Cafe waiting to meet with a woman who had been in the foreign service for many years. It was nice weather, and I enjoyed being outside. Then, in my head, I thought, "these are good things," as I looked at the leaves on the trees and the grass on the ground "this world has good in it."

 That was it. I realized, after a few moments of wondering what had prompted such a response out of the blue when I wasn't focusing on being thankful or anything like that.  I had been learning about a lot of bad. Sometime experience, also, makes me unconsciously expect bad. Slavery is bad. A generation of children born into HIV and AIDS is bad. A generation of loved children working in a way that Americans don't understand beyond feeling that the work they are made to do is awful. A professor who explains the headway Christians made in Civil Rights as merely fodder to their ego, and in some ways, I see that. I see people who want to ease their conscience, I do too, and what that takes is surprisingly little. So much pain. So much grief. I easily blame anything I can, and that is ugly.

 Now that I know, coping with all the information is a goal. A prayer goal, Lord calm my heart and preserve my empathy. I don't want to be stuck at pity, I want to move with compassion. Compassion, con passion, I think of the Holy Week and your passion. I love you, I love that you are good and you were moved to the passion by your compassion on us. You have already defeated poverty and consumerism and trafficking. 

 I feel tender, just now, and I am fine with that. It doesn't matter what this does to me as long as some of it can be used for others.

Nightmares

I don't know how to start this.

I don't think that very many of us will be exempt from having nightmares. I just had a few last night.

Here's the thing; as a child, we seek a place or a state we know is safe before we try to sleep again. If it is our parent's bed, our floor, or, if crying and drinking water makes us feel safe then we do that.

My Mother would pray over me, and then I could get back to sleep.

Naturally, when I wake up from nightmares now, I try to cry to God. I tell him I don't like nightmares, or ask him to take them away. This is good, but it isn't getting at the root.

Last night I tried something new. After crying to God and asking Jesus to be with me, I told him what the nightmares were preying off of, my fears. I'm not going into specifics here, but when I was able to tell God exactly what the nightmares reminded me of, he began to help me see that nothing nothing nothing can snatch me away from his hand. I began talking aloud, repeating that and then I began to understand that even my worst fears couldn't destroy my soul, even they could not make me so sullied that God could not redeem me. I was and am forever His. 

I think Jesus wants to bring us healing, not just a good night's sleep, and talking about our fears and his realities with him is healing.

And that is how I deal with nightmares, starting with last night.

The Dreams and Jealousy

 The truth is, I've been wanting to talk about this for a long time, because I feel it inside me. I can't ignore it anymore.

Deep inside you, you have dreams that you know will probably never come to anything. The dreams could be anything, anything you value or find beauty in. Something that you see and think, that's it, I want to do that. Then there are dreams that maybe you tried. I'm just not cut out for it.

Like ballet, or college. A marathon or an instrument. All things you could conquer, you could, hear me? But maybe you will never be able to try, life is already rolling - time has got you in a ball curled up and afraid to reach out because you are rolling fast. So much to do, so much you do, for everyone around you.

What you do, just isn't pretty and lovely and as valuable as the things you might do with those dreams. I mean, who doesn't play and instrument these days?
Then there is the thought that people around you who have these talents, we call them, and fulfill them - this idea that those people are better than us. We just can't deal with that, so in our dark moments when the beauty or the privilege of the dream is so present, jealousy comes in to say hello and makes our eyes like his scandalous eyes and our thoughts like his dirty thoughts. I feel guilty writing this.

Honestly, jealousy happens to me every day, and it's a sin.

"Unmet expectations. Many times we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the people around us. Often times we feel things should come easier and faster to us. Then if things don't happen when we think they should, we inevitably run into someone who already has what we want. All of a sudden, we feel this surge of ugly, green emotion called jealousy."

-Karen Wolff

Do I want to be that person with everything going for her, yes. Do I have standards of perfection on me that God didn't place there, yes. Do I wish that instead of this wonderful creation God made for me I would look like someone else, a copycat, when I have my own creation, yes. How dare I, how dare I? How do we dare to tell God that we're not good enough yet, we want to be able to do this or fit into that. 

No, instead of worship we want to work on our salvation again, we just can't receive a gift can we? And someone is so delighted about that, if Satan gets delighted. 

When I put it that way, dead in my tracks. . . No more. 

Jesus you are Enough. That means I am enough.

Can we just believe that together? Can we write it on our walls and dwell on it every morning?

I'm such a sinner, but the gift I have, the gift so big I say that I am not worthy, so big it makes me want to work for it. That gift, that is the gift that will teach us how to receive.

How to Use What You Have - And Get Rid of It

The child took the candy from the pretty voice and ate it. All of it.

When his mother called her for a good, beautiful supper, she was full. Everything she loved that her mother cooked was before her. There was her favorite bread, sweet ham, beautiful dollops of sweet potatoes and all the things her mother made that she loved. 

But she was already over-full with the cheap candy.

"If I could do it over again, I would not eat the candy and wait!" Thought the girl. The candy felt revolting in her stomach now, and the foods she knew she loved before her made her feel worse.

Her mother hid the sadness that came with knowing that her child had chosen a false meal instead of her wholesome one.

   At a youth group today our teacher was talking on something like this. It hit me because it is something I've been thinking on quite some time.

Would this be us?

On the day when we are welcomed home - will I be filled with all these substitutes and unable to stay at the table - will all my life be consumed by the pretty on the outside and not the good on the inside? Can we reverse the instinct to keep on with "life" and not give our time back?

First, don't get lost. Giving our time back isn't something I say. It's when I choose to read, to pray, to ask and share with God. To persevere when it is dry, because I know that the joy and the peace and the good plans God has for me will keep me full.

    It comes down to realizing I am empty and to constantly be assessing myself and putting into action what my Father gives me. Like a ballerina, who is always checking if her stomach is in, her head high, her core engaged, an inch taller, a little stronger, the knees wider, the shoulders back more, the point, harder harder - until it hurts! All this the good teacher reminds the ballerina and the pupil takes it and uses it to become better. 

   I like that. God is not silent. He will help. He will always be there when I start over. Again and again.

    And here is how to use what you have. Well, in order to not get calls asking "Where's my water buffalo?" I'll clarify by what I mean when I say "what you have" into something more like - what you should have. There. 

You should have trees nearby.

You should have a hot glue gun. 

You should also have a bit of yarn for knitting. When you get all these things and throw them on your floor, you should look at this picture, and start your own idea. This craft idea came from something I saw in Anthropologie. The picture is mine. This is a craft I began with my mom. That's so nice to think of. 

Happy today!

 Happy Tuesday!

  Here's something my Dad says to me; "Be happy in your work today." It's really convicting to me! Joy never relies on circumstances, as so many people have said. I can ask God for it every day!
  One thing that brings me joy is craft and cooking projects! Even though I'm not the best person to finish a project, I love love love doing them. 
  Since all my family is in Honduras, I'm so thankful for the Devereauxs who are taking me in, so to speak, and including me in their own family life. Yay!

Eating some yummy food with the Devereauxs

 

  Mrs Devereaux constructed a lovely decoration out of a branch, put it in a pot, and hot-glued candy corn onto it! Then she let me do the same. So much fun. I love doing projects, and of course I got so many ideas floating in my head right now. I think I must pick one of them and indulge my crafty hands this week-end after I get my homework done. It just brings joy to look at something new you have made.

So without further ado, I bid you be happy in your work and play today!

 I need to write it on my hand, I think! (haha)

Sundays

 I love Sundays.

I really love fall, too - so today was like a score everywhere.            
  Cold weather is so fun! Even on Sundays, though, there are things that can tell me lies and destroy my joy. Like the fact that I have a super scary test tomorrow. Then, of course, I could turn off my alarm, not run, and sleep in. I could choose to not engage in Church and get nothing done. "I" could do these things! Don't I get it? All these non-life giving things can be done by me alone, and not on God at all! 
   So if I really want to live out what I sing or think every week (I rely on you alone God, I want to live what you have for me, get rid of all my sin-filled ways), then I would choose to do the things I actually needed God's help with, right? Oh dear, I think I need to just dwell on that a little more. Thanks, God. 
    Well, with that said, I'd like to introduce myself, or rather, this blog. I want to try and share, but learn to be humble, and I want to write - I just process that way. This is maybe more of a sharing accountability blog than anything else. I'm a college student, so like everyone else, I don't have time laying around me like leaves lay on the ground in fall.  So why did I call this a "project"? Well, I like projects. I like cooking and baking and making messes.
     In the spirit of messes, I'd like to share one of the best parts of a Sunday! It's the day I get to share some baked goods with some kids at Church. I love doing this. Those kids have no idea how much I get from making them cookies, really!
  Here's the recipe I used today:

 Banana Chocolate Chip Muffins (adapted From Paleo Parents)
You will need:
   
   * 1 soft banana
   * 4 eggs
   * 1 cup of nut butter (I use almond butter)
   * 1/2 teaspoon of baking soda
   * 1/4 teaspoon of salt 
AND ABOUT 1/3 c of CHOCOLATE CHIPS, yes!
   All you do is blend these ingredients together until the banana is no longer in chunks and then bake them at 350 for 10-15 minutes depending on the size. 
    What's so amazing about these besides the fact that 50 odd kids gobbled down at least 100 of these things (mini size)? They don't have flour or sugar and yet they are light, sweet, moist, and do not taste like alternative flour. No fancy ingredients you don't have, because you could even use regular peanut butter for these! Exciting!
  
I didn't take any pictures, though, so I am going to post a picture from a blog post about these same muffins called “The Best Built Life”  This is his picture! I'll remember to take my own for future reference. 

 Well, that is it for today, I've got laundry to do!