Pieces

"Oh, I wish December were sooner so he could come back sooner."
And then, a small voice, Do you not wish I would come back sooner more?

Grammar aside, my heart is overwhelmed. How long will it take me to process the last 8 months - no, the last 12 months, and place everything again? China, oh beautiful country with beautiful people, the place I have longed after for years, I have lived there and breathed there and thrived there, but now I am back. Or am I? It seems that so much of me is from there, lives there, grew there. And then. And then this whole accept a human as a potential potential for lifelong partnership thing. And his heart blows me away. And the things I have learned about myself, about the world, about him, did I mention myself? - Well, it blows me away too. Maybe I am just a kite now, since there is so much that blows me away.

Oh my heart.

Oh my Jesus, I want you back sooner. So many do. The whole world does but they just don't know it yet. So can't you come soon? 

So, how do I fit things back together when all the pieces are down and more are scattered ahead with no signs of stopping? This, this is my beautiful undoing. Maybe all the pieces are supposed to be messy like this. Maybe the more pieces on the ground the better I can run. Maybe the more pieces on the ground the better I fight. Maybe the more pieces on the ground the better I know who's really God and who's really not, who's really strong and who's really not.

It's me - I am not strong. I am not God. I do not put pieces together.

And here, here, here I can rest. Here is the peace. Here, still, is the longing, oh my Jesus I want you back sooner. You are King. You move pieces, you give and take them, you make them, you heal them.

And I'm crying out because my heart is everywhere and it hurts, not with my pain, but with all the pain I see. I'm not the only one with pieces, not the only one who didn't know what to do. So please come soon.

I remember. I remember all the times I asked you to show me what breaks your heart and make mine the same way. I won't stop asking.

I'll be running. I'll keep the pieces because I know they aren't mine. I'll keep running, because I know that you care about all the pieces, not just mine.

I don't care how many pieces are here, just use me to serve what you are doing with the pieces scattered all over the world. Because I can't see pieces and pretend they aren't there.

And I know you can't either, because you broke your Son into pieces to make your children whole, and because I know that you are coming. And I know that you are King, King of all these pieces.

A Post I Blogged a While Back

Last Semester, as part of the IJM Longhorn Chapter leadership, I opened up a blog for local freedom fighters with a post of my own. I've copied and pasted it here.
Hi Everyone! Allow me to introduce myself, I'm Hannah, and as much as I discount myself, I am an activist. I believe that God has a heart for justice, which is Biblically based.  As a redeemed wreck myself, I am called to seek His kingdom on this earth. I don't know about you, but when you start looking at modern-day slavery, the view is daunting. We can feel so small, buried under a pile of our brothers and sisters with our heart bleeding out the brokenness  we feel inside. And yet the work of justice is personal, approachable - in fact, the individual is everything. It is unique to each one of us, and it starts with us when we rise in the morning. Empathy and compassion and mercy are the steps we take each day as we seek our Lord's heart and therefore his kingdom. Justice doesn't happen because I wake up and decide to be a great person, it happens in spite of me! I'm a huge fan.
     So today, as I open up this blog for fellow travelers far more talented and interesting (basically I mean YOU), my heart is to unambiguously tell you: justice and freedom starts with you. You have a story to tell. We are in chains and we are set free day in and day out, and we have the honor of becoming a co-laborers.
    Being an activist doesn't look like what I thought it would. I was certain I could never be considered one, and yet I continued to seek justice. Now I realize, I am an activist. And you are too, why, if you ever shared a facebook post about some social issue you cared about, then you are an activist by definition. So the question is not whether or not you can fight for justice, but whether or not you take the time to intentionally fight for justice? 
   Tuyo - Hannah Colbath

A Long-Winded Day in the Life...

Hello!

I'm writing from a hard seat on a 14 hour long train ride from Hohhot to Xian – it is mid-Autumn break and several classmates and I (along with the rest of China), am boarding trains and traveling. Officially one month and some change into our program, I decided it was the perfect time to write a bit of an update. Though you may see the highlights from my facebook or instagram, life has been up and down, and I'm savoring every minute as best I can. The program I'm in has many talented and brilliant students, but there is no replacement for anyone in this world. I miss my family and friends in Honduras, Texas, and scattered across the globe, but of course, I'm no stranger to this feeling. I'll start with an account of my day to day life, give some highlights, and share what's ahead in the near future for me. I hope you enjoy!

Since school started, I am enrolled in Chinese class from 9 to 11, not counting the weekly Chinese lunch with our professors and the twice weekly one on one Chinese class. I also moved up from the class I was placed in early on, being somewhat between the classes. Due to this, I am working very hard to keep up with my class.  My three classmates (all boys – reminds me of all my brothers!) an I start off class with a dictation test, then we turn in about three pages of homework, after which we each deliver a 2-5 minute speech on a specific topic that was prescribed to us the day before. Some topics I have covered are: a graph on AIDS, how to protect your environment, the various types of pollution, and the impact of single parenting on society. These issues have taught me a lot of vocabulary useful for reading the paper, though I still can not read the paper without help. After our report, it is time to dive into about 8-15 different grammar structures as well as correlating vocabulary. We get a five minute break halfway through, and as soon as our talented teacher's alarm goes off we breathe a sigh of relief, and either gather around the map of China, or walk out to visit with the other students on break – but we can not speak English on the floor of our classroom – so the conversations are usually entertainingly punctuated with gestures and knowing glances. Near the end of the class, we glance apprehensively at the remaining structures to cover – will we go into over-time today? It is not uncommon to do so, since even after class is over we have to discuss what must be done before the next day's class. As soon as we are out, we bounce down the stairs, some headed to nap or work out – others (like myself and my classmate May) must rush to their rooms and pack their bags for the commute to work.

At 11:15 on three days a week, May and I rush to eat before getting the 11:40 subway to work. We either push some dumplings or little steamed buns into our mouth, bought from a friendly couple who kindly make sure we have enough to eat as we sit out on a fold out table on the road, hot bamboo steamers of the goods laid out in front of us, and with plenty of chili oil, vinegar, and soy sauce to dip the nuggets of goodness into. If you think this is a flowery description, you are correct, it is. I just really enjoy them! If we have more time, we'll eat together with classmates at the school cafeteria, where I will usually choose rice, a vegetable (my favorite is Szechuan green beans), and one of many types of chicken stir fry. This will usually put me out about 1.30 to 2 dollars.

After lunch we stretch our legs as far as our pencil skirts will allow us to rush to the subway station. We make one transfer and use one busline during our commute, the regular time is about an hour and twenty minutes to get to our destination – the 798 Art District. Not only is our internship at a wonderful company (The Starfish Project – look up their jewelry – it is gorgeous), but 798 is the epicenter of all things artistic, as well as home to a few sweet coffee shops. Suffice it to say that the atmosphere in Beijing, despite all the pollution, is magnetic and intoxicating for someone who loves to always be learning.

When work is done, it is time to head back to the campus in time to get to class. I use the time on the subway to read class material or write in my journal. When we get out of the subway on the way home I stop at the lady who has a truck full of oranges and apples parked on a bustling sidewalk. I'll buy an apple from her, and maybe some juice from the convenience store. Afterwords my colleague and classmate, May, and I will finish the long march back to the campus. We affectionately nick-named May The Chairman, because though she may be the shortest of our group, her personality organically organizes people around her.

Back in my room, I clean up a little, cut my apple, place it in a container with peanut butter, and then head upstairs to my class. Monday and Wednesday night class is only an hour an a half, and I do Chinese homework while I listen, as I am just auditing this one. On Tuesday nights, however, our Chinese Politics class lasts 3 hours. A few, like me, arrive from their internship, and we listen to our renowned and talented professor, Dr. Moser, educate us. It is an honor to be his students, but when 9:30 hits, I and a few members of my class that I've become closest with go down the stairs and out to the street to get a “Hand-grabbed Pancake” or a sort of tortilla cooked with an egg on top, coated with a dark sauce, and rolled around a piece of lettuce. It is the perfect dinner to end a long day, and after the street vendor cooks them up we head up to our dorm to work on homework for a few hours. There is a lot to prepare, and I usually decided to get up at 5 to get some work done before I go running and then head to class. The nice thing is that our classrooms are in the same building as our dorm, so commute time is 5 minutes (a huge improvement on my standard 1 hour from condo to UT campus in Austin).

Concluding my long-winded account of a day at Capital Normal University as a CET student in Beijing, I'd like to share what special things have been going on. I'm getting settled in Beijing life, from study places to Mexican restaurants, to places of worship. Our program here has planned activities, while leaving time for us to have our own independent travel. The second week in our program I got the opportunity one weekend to take the fast train 5 hours to Qingdao – yes of the German beer fame. Qingdao lies on the coast of China, and during the gunboat diplomacy days it was under German rule. The sea port has a rich history as well as the interesting influence of German architecture and customs. We got to see a German manor, an old Church (where dozens of couples who were about to be married took their wedding pictures. It is a custom in China to take the pictures in the dress and suit well before the wedding), as well as the famous Qingdao Beer factory. All in all, it was a great bonding experience with four of my now closest friends in the program. Though we faced many obstacles, everyone made the best of it and had an amazing time in spite of sparse trials (such as walking to three different hostels across town before arriving at the right one near 9pm). Due to this trip, the self-titled Kill Squad was born, since we had to call ourselves something, and if you let two guys from the U.S. Naval Academy come up with the name, you know it is going to be good. We made the most of our two days there, walking from one park to the next monument and running into new friends along the way. Getting a feel for a different city in China was a valuable experience for me.

This week, also, I am traveling about China as this week is our fall break during the national holiday for the Mid-Autumn Festival. The rest of China, as I mentioned, will be traveling to go home – bearing moon cakes and gifts for their families. We have taken this opportunity to travel to Inner Mongolia (a place I've wanted to see for quite a while), and Xi'an (of the Terracotta Warrior fame). Halfway through our break, I can share our Inner Mongolia experience with you all! We boarded the 10 hour hard seat train near 12 am on Friday evening/ Saturday morning and arrived in Hohhot mid-day Saturday. The train was packed and the seats were, indeed, hard to sit on. The next day we enjoyed the National Inner Mongolia Museum, which took us half a day, as well as busing around the city to go to markets and parks. After that we left the next morning for the really exiting part – a trip out to the rural grasslands of Inner Mongolia.

Not only did I feel a little constricted by the intense city of Beijing, but I naturally yearn for romantic landscapes, something I attribute not only to my personality but also to the fact that I grew up part of my life on a rural mountain amidst pine trees and low-lying clouds. Getting to spend the night in a yurt, eating delicious home-cooked food, wandering and running over the rolling hills of the grasslands scattered with lambs and cows, I felt my spirit and heart swell even as the land expanded before me, revealing more sky than I have ever seen in my life. I loved every minute of it, and was able to feel a sort of recharge wandering off with my thoughts, uninhibited by obstacles. The sheer beauty of the blue sky, and later the clouded sky stretching so far in every direction drew me closer to my convictions. 

One night we spent in the Grasslands, and now we are off to Xi'an, which I am very excited about as there will be much to explore. For now, though, I'll stop here and move onto homework. There is a lot to get ready before the next week. I wish you all well and I hope you enjoyed my long account of life. I hope to impart a bit of the similarities and differences between day to day life in China versus wherever you may be, so if your picture of life in China is only a little more colored in, I have accomplished my goal. That's it for now! 

Sincerely,

Hannah G Colbath

A German Church in Qingdao

The May 4th Monument in Qingdao

Couple posing in Qingdao

Part of the old Soviet Factory Architecture of 798

The Inner Mongolia National Museum 

Our Yurt

Train Ride Selfie!

Navigation Explanation: Train Rides in China

How to Prepare for a Train Ride in China

The train system in China can be both exhilarating and painful. As a student, the availability of lines running from city to city, combined with prices ranging from “let's go!” cheap to “I'll have to watch my budget” expensive makes the train system truly perfect for many situations. In fact, if you are going to travel anywhere in China, the train is the best way to do – provided that you are prepared, open to new experiences, and ready to get a little exhausted. I am not saying taking the train is easy – I am saying it is worth it (unless you are are sick). Therefore, in order to give you a good mind picture of what it is like, I am going to draw on my limited experience in three different classes of trains to give a little outline.

Step 1: Make up Your Mind

This step basically requires the soon to be train transported individual to decide where he or she wants to go, when, and on what class. It being China, there are about 784,349 different variables to this one decision. Do you want to see Shanghai and live it up classy-style? Do you want to escape to the grasslands of Inner Mongolia and romanticize? Or would you like to see the pandas and do a little hiking? Here is how to narrow down: how long will it take to reach there by the choice transportation. There is the fast train (Beijing to Shanghai: 5 hours), and the slow train (Beijing to Xian: 15 hours). Sometimes the fast train is worth the extra money in the time you save. Most times, though, I would encourage the slow train. Next, consider the distance. If it is less than 8 hours, then consider hard seats, more than 8, go for the hard sleepers. If you are traveling in a group, it is best to sit all together as the travel will become safer and more entertaining!

To buy tickets, you can ask a room-mate, the concierge, or a friend to help you. However, if you can read even a little bit of Chinese such as time and “hard” or “soft” you can book it online or at a train ticket office yourself with little hassle. The sense of accomplishment you get once you book your own tickets is worth the time spent on Pleco looking up the word for “seat.”

Step 2: Prepare

There is no joking about this step – you could have the best time or the worst depending on how you prepare. For students, I recommend bringing the homework you do not like to do, because you will experience a forced focus on your homework in the hours when you are stuck with nothing to do. First, though, you need food. Pack a back that can be stowed under a bed, seat, or in a rack. Include such readily available items such as oranges, apples, peanuts, Haw-fruit roll ups, Pringles, and instant noodles. I also like to bring tea, a thermos, and tea-dipping biscuits for the morning when you are close to the end of the overnight train ride and need refreshment. There will always be a water broiler in each car (for water, tea, instant noodles, fruit washing). Take advantage of this commodity to have a great train ride. Keep your face wash, tooth-brush, and sweater in an easy to reach place as well. During the train ride, if it is an overnighter, you will feel weary or dirty. The best way to get an instant pick-up is to use these things to freshen up. Make sure you will not have to carry too much, as trains and stations are crowded and hard to navigate. If you like to listen to podcasts, remember to download them. Get your phone charger to full battery so you can charge the phone on the way. Lastly, remember to wear comfy clothes and pack your slippers!

Step 3: Navigate the Route, Station, and Train

Depending on where you depart from, you could use taxi, bus, or subway to get to the train station. There are also multiple train stations in most big cities. So, you must check and double check that you have the right station and can get there with an hour or more to spare for any mishaps, or time to grab a meal. Pack your ticket and passport, and do not forget to take a picture of each for emergencies. Once you arrive at the station, take time to buy any water or the last meal you want before you get on the train. Keep an eye on your things, and remember that everyone will start queing to board long before you have to get on. You can wait peacefully from your chair if you don't feel like fighting with hundreds of people who have no bubble to pop. Your ticket will get you to the right car when it comes time to board. Settle in and get ready to get close with your neighbors, use the restroom now, as it will get dirty as the time goes on. Keep your belongings close! The train will stop at stations, but never longer than a few minutes. Enjoy the train ride!

Being Faithful to the Most Faithful

"Fret not yourself because of evildoers;

    be not envious of wrongdoers!

 
 

For they will soon fade like the grass

    and wither like the green herb.
Trust in the Lord, and do good;
dwell in the land and befriend faithfulness.
Delight yourself in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light
and your justice as the noonday.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him;
fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way,
over the man who carries out evil devices!"
Psalms 37:1-7

A year ago, I confessed how I lived in doubt over whether God would see and give me the desires of my heart, even though He had confirmed these desires over and over again. After my confession, I still struggled to hope. I have seen my hopes dashed many times when I put hope in things instead of God, so I wanted to guard my heart. Even still, in the weakness of my faith and trust, there have been so many miracles. Not even half of it was how I expected it to happen, and I'm not even in China yet, but I have tasted and seen His providence.

I used to look at others, and envy the miracles they had, I would pray that I could have miracles like them. I'm laughing now, because I act like such a child. Notice that's not past tense. I still act like such a silly child, proud, willful, envious, unrestrained. Despite all of this, God has blessed me beyond my imagination, God has moved mountains for me, God has encouraged me and sustained me in hard days and good days. He is the most High, most Faithful God. That's who He is, regardless of who I am. 

So my challenge for the next month and a half, and even beyond that: to live in faith that all the details will work according to His plan, and not to stress out or further doubt just because there are a few more things that must be done. "To live in full faithfulness." My challenge for you: live in full hope that God will fulfill the God-given desires of your heart, with full faith that it will be according to his plan. Don't be like me; don't envy. Don't compare. His timing is beyond us, the ups and downs we take are to build us up, not to tear us down.

Support Hong Kong

So when was the last time you heard about a protest movement being described as taking the "high ground???" That kind of blows me away, and most of these are kids in High School, College, and new grads. What a story. I am anxiously awaiting the result of the talk they have agreed to have. This is one of my former and very respected Chinese professors, who organized some of her students to show support for the HK protests. 
I recommend this article from the New Yorker, for a general update, but I'm sure that the information will soon be old news.
http://www.newyorker.com/news/news-desk/streets-hong-kong

The Future and the Past with a Present God

 Something hit me pretty strong last night: what if all the time I used thinking about yesterday, tomorrow, and seven years from now was suddenly open. That would leave a whole lot of time for right-now head space. 

"Come home to the present, where you will find Me waiting for you (Young, 2004)."

My deepest desire, when I am truthful with my soul, is to join God wherever he is. Abide in Him. Worship Him. If I live out of the present more, I'll be in God more. Sounds like a win-win. 

Two things I've never really been "good" at, and avoided as much as I could day-to-day:

Prayer

True Worship

Truthfully, I've always enjoyed praise and worship time at church, because it is so good to remember and remind myself of all they things God is, and all the things God can do. True worship, though, seemed so hard to get into, I worry I'm not genuine, I get distracted easier than a two year old in a new playroom; "the singer is too loud, look she is wearing heels, his hair is really trendy, why does it have to be so trendy, why do they all look coordinated, who is here today, what is everyone else doing, what do I have to do as soon as I get home, gosh I'm cold, I hope John is okay, wow I miss Bubby, that little kid reminds me of him and now I want to cry, I'm missing out on my family's life, oh is the song over now?"
Something's a little different. At World Mandate it seemed to be all about worshiping God, and the whole posture of my heart changed. I was able to let go, realize that I feel at home with God, and that I really, really, really want to worship Him in whatever way I can because all I want is Him. I still get distracted easily, but God is bigger than that!

Prayer. Most of my older years prayer has scared me just a little. I could journal to God every other day, but I couldn't pray aloud, or so I though. Recently, though, I just keep seeing the power of prayer in my life and walk with Him, as well as in the life of my family, and I just want more! There have been a few times I've been able to pray aloud and nobody laughed, no lightning fell, and all awkward moments were just okay. I hope that I can continue learning about growing in prayer.

These are just some random things going on right now, and I'm taking a break from memorizing my Chinese characters for the ever-present vocabulary quiz tomorrow (only 17 words left!!!!). I was also able to meet with the Hope for The Nations director and his wife for dinner last night, and talk about my Asia desire. God keeps telling me just to focus on the next step not the end result. I could be in the states of a year or two after I graduate in the school and end up with a team from another community in the country I want to go to. In a way I am not worried about staying for another year or two as anxious as I am to get there, because I will be able to get a job with the OAG or maybe the OOG in Austin.