Deep inside you, you have dreams that you know will probably never come to anything. The dreams could be anything, anything you value or find beauty in. Something that you see and think, that's it, I want to do that. Then there are dreams that maybe you tried. I'm just not cut out for it.
Like ballet, or college. A marathon or an instrument. All things you could conquer, you could, hear me? But maybe you will never be able to try, life is already rolling - time has got you in a ball curled up and afraid to reach out because you are rolling fast. So much to do, so much you do, for everyone around you.
What you do, just isn't pretty and lovely and as valuable as the things you might do with those dreams. I mean, who doesn't play and instrument these days?
Then there is the thought that people around you who have these talents, we call them, and fulfill them - this idea that those people are better than us. We just can't deal with that, so in our dark moments when the beauty or the privilege of the dream is so present, jealousy comes in to say hello and makes our eyes like his scandalous eyes and our thoughts like his dirty thoughts. I feel guilty writing this.
Honestly, jealousy happens to me every day, and it's a sin.
"Unmet expectations. Many times we place unrealistic expectations on ourselves and the people around us. Often times we feel things should come easier and faster to us. Then if things don't happen when we think they should, we inevitably run into someone who already has what we want. All of a sudden, we feel this surge of ugly, green emotion called jealousy."
-Karen Wolff
Do I want to be that person with everything going for her, yes. Do I have standards of perfection on me that God didn't place there, yes. Do I wish that instead of this wonderful creation God made for me I would look like someone else, a copycat, when I have my own creation, yes. How dare I, how dare I? How do we dare to tell God that we're not good enough yet, we want to be able to do this or fit into that.
No, instead of worship we want to work on our salvation again, we just can't receive a gift can we? And someone is so delighted about that, if Satan gets delighted.
When I put it that way, dead in my tracks. . . No more.
Jesus you are Enough. That means I am enough.
Can we just believe that together? Can we write it on our walls and dwell on it every morning?
I'm such a sinner, but the gift I have, the gift so big I say that I am not worthy, so big it makes me want to work for it. That gift, that is the gift that will teach us how to receive.
