Pieces

"Oh, I wish December were sooner so he could come back sooner."
And then, a small voice, Do you not wish I would come back sooner more?

Grammar aside, my heart is overwhelmed. How long will it take me to process the last 8 months - no, the last 12 months, and place everything again? China, oh beautiful country with beautiful people, the place I have longed after for years, I have lived there and breathed there and thrived there, but now I am back. Or am I? It seems that so much of me is from there, lives there, grew there. And then. And then this whole accept a human as a potential potential for lifelong partnership thing. And his heart blows me away. And the things I have learned about myself, about the world, about him, did I mention myself? - Well, it blows me away too. Maybe I am just a kite now, since there is so much that blows me away.

Oh my heart.

Oh my Jesus, I want you back sooner. So many do. The whole world does but they just don't know it yet. So can't you come soon? 

So, how do I fit things back together when all the pieces are down and more are scattered ahead with no signs of stopping? This, this is my beautiful undoing. Maybe all the pieces are supposed to be messy like this. Maybe the more pieces on the ground the better I can run. Maybe the more pieces on the ground the better I fight. Maybe the more pieces on the ground the better I know who's really God and who's really not, who's really strong and who's really not.

It's me - I am not strong. I am not God. I do not put pieces together.

And here, here, here I can rest. Here is the peace. Here, still, is the longing, oh my Jesus I want you back sooner. You are King. You move pieces, you give and take them, you make them, you heal them.

And I'm crying out because my heart is everywhere and it hurts, not with my pain, but with all the pain I see. I'm not the only one with pieces, not the only one who didn't know what to do. So please come soon.

I remember. I remember all the times I asked you to show me what breaks your heart and make mine the same way. I won't stop asking.

I'll be running. I'll keep the pieces because I know they aren't mine. I'll keep running, because I know that you care about all the pieces, not just mine.

I don't care how many pieces are here, just use me to serve what you are doing with the pieces scattered all over the world. Because I can't see pieces and pretend they aren't there.

And I know you can't either, because you broke your Son into pieces to make your children whole, and because I know that you are coming. And I know that you are King, King of all these pieces.