The year started off with the word growth. I thought I knew what that meant but I. had. no. idea.
Over multiple situations and seasons I am seeing real brokenness at a personal level I haven't grappled with before.
I know strongly that I have been called to stand faithfully in the midst of all this, yes even for the rest of my life, to hold my lantern through the night. A vision I keep seeing. And a symbol I have embraced. Fidelity by God's grace alone.
A calling to relinquish control. Surrender. E V E R Y T H I N G. This feels like the lesson I just have to keep learning. Over and over again. In deeper and more real ways. The old Hannah loves control. She loves that false sense of security and self-righteousness and well-calculated plans. She loves to manage risk and shape outcomes. To be honest, this is the hardest one to face, the hardest one to let go. But we are all called to a posture of surrender, obedience, ready to do hard things and let go of my own way and ideas.
Guys, just as a sample of how stubborn I am on this: at the start of this year I had plans A, B, C, and D, and when those plans got destroyed, I created plans A, B, and C, for plan A and for plan B and plan C and plan D. If this sounds confusing, guess what, you have no idea.
The call to not shrink back. This one runs deep in me. But not anymore. God makes me brave and he calls me out, and it looks terrifying and risky. However, this coming forth is a lesson in trust and breaking off the old patterns of me and being filled with the new me. I will not shrink back from pain, with God's help I will come face to face with is. This is where God is close.
The call to wait. Just going to say it, I hate waiting. But you know what, I also love waiting, because this is where growth happens - it's foolish to think growth happens when we see the outcomes. This is where faith is grown, this is where deepness comes. And it doesn't matter if, at the end of the waiting, the outcome is what I wanted to wait for or what I wanted to avoid - I'll be ready and I'll surrender.
God is close to the broken. God moves and grows out of pain. He quiets my soul and comforts. He delights in all my broken pieces, He moves me towards sacrifice and shows me the way.
Some markers that have pushed me in my faith this season:
The Broken Way by Ann Voskamp
Restoring the Christian Soul by Leanne Payne
Lectio Divina Journal and the Common Book of Prayer
Scripture Typer app for memorizing verses
What does surrender look like? I don't really know. I pray God will continue to show me. But I know that surrender does not look like shrinking back. It does not look weak. Surrender requires bravery and strength in humility and without bravado. Surrender takes a look at my own way and puts it back in the hands of the one who created me. Surrender is asking for more of God and the Holy Spirit and Jesus. It takes everything. And is is so good. It is sweet, like a child in a mother's arms; deliberately content and at peace. A crying out to God. A thankful heart, a thankful in advance, a thankful for things not seen, a thankful for things that you don't want to be thankful for.
And the willow tree? It's just a tree. It's branches bend down and sway in the wind - shaped by the wind even, but they are not broken by the wind. The branches have been used as a palm for Palm Sunday. The tree has enormous roots, and soaks up any water nearby. A willow tree can symbol humility. It is associated with femininity in some Eastern cultures. A willow stands. When things are rough it stays and grows. I love the ways God's creation can reveal his heart, help us understand the depths of His revelations. I love trees, growing up in the pine mountains of Honduras, trees feel like home and shelter and belonging.
